We’ve all been there . . .
Whether you’re a high-anxiety flyer, like myself, or your flight has been delayed. Air travel often requires a little tipple from time to time. And, as we all know, this time of year can be especially nerve-wracking for some folks. So I’ve decided to embrace the chaos and have a little fun with what I’ve come to call “Airporting”.
I’ve been “Airporting” since I was a child. The drinking part obviously came much later, but when you spend your youth being shipped between your parents as an unaccompanied minor you end up with a lot of time on your hands. No matter how prepared I am to fight off the inevitable boredom that the airport brings I always turn to people watching. The holidays, in particular, are especially fun for this activity. And since the holidays are also especially popular with the drinking crowd, I figured this was a good time to share my little game with the masses. I tend to travel with my brothers or a few choice friends. And often, we arrive early to hit the bar before squeezing ourselves into an aluminum tube to be launched unnaturally into the stratosphere for hours at a time. Laughing in the face of our creator and hoping, once again, to cheat death. So if you see it like I do, if you’re going to chance it, might as well do it with a buzz and a sense of humor. Slightly morbid? Maybe. But seeing as how I wasn’t born with wings, I have a strange aversion to flight. Call me crazy.
The rules are simple – If you observe any of the things on the list below, take a drink. The drinks consumed are entirely up to those participating in the game. You can play alone, or you can make some friends on a long layover and get them involved. However you decide to play it there is one thing you absolutely must remember at all times . . .
If you consume too much alcohol or if you mix this game with prescription drugs, you may become too intoxicated to be allowed passage onto your flight. It only makes for a good story later.
So keep your wits about you. We’re all adults here, and this isn’t a frat party. It’s worse. It’s the airport. Consequences are much, much worse.
- If you see someone wearing a bolo tie, drink.
- If anyone in your group hears or sees a screaming baby, drink. If that baby is in the bar, take 2 drinks.
- If you are offered a “Big Boy Beer” or the server tries to up-sell you, you must accept. Then, drink.
- If you think that elderly person broke wind, drink.
- If you hear someone refer to their pets as “My babies”, drink.
- Smell that perfume? Does it make you want to yack? Drink.
- If you see someone without any footwear at all (barefoot) well after passing through security, drink.
- College kid playing their guitar for all in your terminal to hear? Drink!
- See that dog in a backpack? Me too. Drink.
- “Juicy” sweatpants? Drink. Maybe buy them one too.
- Mooseknuckle? Shot.
- If you hear anyone at any time exclaim “I just gotta have my coffee!”, drink.
- Do you think that couple is breaking up over there? Drink.
- See someone hitting on the bartender / server. Drink.
- Family sprinting to catch a flight, drink.
- Flight attendant with toilet paper stuck to their shoe? Drink.
- If you see a high heels and lace-up jeans combo walk by, drink.
- Fedora, white shoes, gold chain, pressed denim? Drink.
That should be enough to get you warmed up. Remember to take a deep breath and relax this holiday season. Some of us will inevitably get stuck somewhere we don’t want to and be surrounded by hundreds of other frustrated travelers. Why not enjoy the time we’ve got to make a few new “friends” and have a harmless laugh?
And, as always, drink responsibly.